i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
