My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
