all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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