We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Boobs speak an international language.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
