I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
