Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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