I wannas sexs uuuuu
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
