I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
