Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
