Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
