Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
