his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
