he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
