Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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