i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
