Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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