i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
