so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Randomize
