Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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