Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
