If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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