Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
