The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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