I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
