She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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