well I can't set my house on fire every night
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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