im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
