Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
