Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
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I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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