there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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