I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I want to fling myself into the sun
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
