he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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