just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
His nipple licking is glorious
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