I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
