If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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