Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
