So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
