oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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