whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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