I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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