i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Girls should come with a carfax report
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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