did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
