I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
