It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
