Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
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