either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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