I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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