You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
