First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
