i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
