On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
