I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
