what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
