I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
