i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
