im drinking this country out of the recession.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
