insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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