There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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