billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
