if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm lost and stupid without you.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
