you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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