He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
